What's My Motivation?

My latest work. I enjoyed this one. Does it relate to the post? Not really. Is it awesome? Yes.

I am in deep conflict with myself, to be more specific with my past self (Joshen of 2005-2006). It's around late 2005 that I decided to become a screenwriter. It turns out that decision lead to the creation of a business, and me developing artistic skills I never dreamed I would be capable of. For all this I'm very thankful of my past self, but my motivation, both past, and present,  is what is creating a bit of a dilemma today. In 05 my reasoning was that I could easily make up to 3 million dollars off the sale of one amazing feature script to a major studio, and that was all I needed to push forward. Today, I am not satisfied with my work, because I feel as though I'm not always making a piece of beauty, sometimes I feel like I'm unsuccessfully selling my creative vagina. Now before we condemn the "05 version of me of being a greedy capitalist snob, who is only motivated by capital gains, lets put it out there that I come from a horrible socio-economic situation, and my goal for many years was to figure out a way to escape said situation.

The problem persists because as I develop into this creative being, my motivation to profit never waned. It's then a toss up in my own mind whether I'm trying to create, and capture beauty, or I'm simply trying to justify the means to an ultimate end.

I watched a documentary last night that made me feel horrible about myself, it then proceeded to inspire me, and gave me a sense of pride for what I am, and could potentially be. It was called Bill Cunningham New York (Available on Netflix, and here), and it was a brief glimpse into the life of what I would consider a true master of the arts. Bill lived modestly, and is kind beyond words. He has chronicled the people of New York, and fashion in ways that I fear may one day be lost. He is an artist and his reward is finding beauty in an eternal search for more. I recommend watching Bill Cunningham NY, as it was a moving experience for me, as a New Yorker, and as a creative. Bill tips the scales in a conundrum I often think about, what's more important the journey, or the destination?


Cheers and "Honest, and Straight New York" Teddy Bears!