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Life didn't give me lemons.....



I spent this sunday alone, deep in thought as I do most sundays. I was asking myself that question I just can't seem to escape, what's wrong with me? I for one reason or another do not feel complete. I feel all the same things I always feel, I feel the unnecessary want's, the need to become a better human being, to master my craft and produce something special that I can share with the world, something that makes this place just an iota better because I was in it. Still I feel incomplete.

The incompleteness that I feel isn't arbitrary. In fact I know the feeling very well, I can call it by it's name. No it's not the feeling that perplexes me, but I don't understand why I feel this way. I feel lonely, a very strong loneliness, as if I am the last person on earth, as if I was the only person on earth that ever understood me. I am surrounded by people, some love and care for me deeply, yet I still feel completely alone.

I haven't wrote anything new because I feel like everything I create is tainted by greed, so generically commercial and widely appealing but devoid of any real type of artistic value. I am beginning to feel like I am being stiffled, strangled to death by my own drive, my own ambition, is killing me. To deny it, is to deny a part of myself, to feed it, is to starve part of myself. I am stuck in a paradox that has originated within the confines of my own mind and it threatens to drive me mad.

I feel it, a darkness. It's pure created within myself. I cast a wide shadow, a shadow so deep it threatens to consume the light. At this great shadow's center is me, a boy, scared, alone, strong, crippled under the weight of my own thoughts. I am writing the greatest tragedy known to man, and I haven't even reached for my pen yet.

If only life gave me lemons, I would love a glass of lemonade. Instead I have these thoughts. A tree made of thoughts that bear no fruit. Where are my friends? I question if I really had any at all.

Really makes me think, am I ready for what I've been chasing? Will I be able to stand and truly claim my place?

Cheers and Self isolated depressed Teddy bears!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

要照顧身體歐~保重.........................

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