From the Ashes

I received this comment (只有尋常才幹，但具有不尋常恆心的人，一切皆可獲取) on my last post and it was so insightful that I felt I should translate it for the world. It reads as translated by Google "Only extraordinary talent, but with unusual perseverance of the people, get everything back"

I understand that I must never say die, never surrender. My purpose is to refine this, my craft, and to persevere. So to you my good friend Oh, who left me this beautiful comment, I thank you, it has not fallen on deaf ears, nothing my readers say ever will.

This will be one of my darker post, because this is not my finest moment. I share with you my tribulations so that we draw strength from the triumphs together, just me and the world. I can sum up my recent experiences in about six words that aren't even my own "Thinking of you made me cry". Those six words are part of the chorus to My Will by Dream, a song that is more popularly remembered as the end theme to Inuyasha. I listen to My Will on what I describe as loose rotation, it's part of my extensive playlist and when I do a shuffle all of my music it tends to come up, with that said, My will has been haunting me, because it's the beautiful soundtrack of my life. It's themes resonate with me and I need to pay attention to them.

Last night I was at a performance at a place called Santos, it's located in Chinatown, Lafyette and Walker to be more specific. I saw a young talented artist named Wordspit performing what seems to be one of his more popular songs. It was entitled Poets Haiku, and the beat the very beginning was a sample of My will. I felt like I was the only person in the club that knew where that sample came from, probably the only person that really cared but I felt connected to the performer. We shared a common interest and that alone allowed me to digest his lyrics and his emotions. I enjoyed his high energy performance. He spoke in between his songs, about the work had to do, what it really takes to get ahead in life, and I saw in him, myself.

"Thinking of you made me cry" my mother called me today. See, from the beginning of all things my family has been on the losing end of the economic battle. We were the have not's and we still have not. I have been scarred by this reality, my reality. I am sure life has been harder for others, but the knowledge that someone out there has it tougher than I do doesn't usually make me want to "count my blessings" it leaves me feeling a whole lot worse. My mom told me tonight that she is tired of the struggle, and she couldn't bring herself to cry, she's writing a book, that I am going to clean up, edit, and hopefully find a way to get published, but that doesnt really help to alleviate her immeadiate situation. I hurt for her.

I titled this post from the ashes, because it is personal to me, fire has a destructive nature which is often misunderstood to be evil. Fire demolishes and transforms paving the way for something new to rise from the ashes. I feel that my entire life has been a trial by fire. I am sure that it's this same fire that has tempered, purified and fortified me into the man I am today. I have felt creatively stuck, lost, listening to moon river on repeat and thinking "where have I gone wrong, what am I not doing?" Finally, I have the answer. I've been running, and that realization broke me "Thinking of you made me cry" indeed.

I wanted to just leave my life behind. That's why I rarely visit my mothers home. I have issues with that place, the way I am treated, the laundry list of what's wrong there is extensive, but to have her call me, and ask me hey do you know how I live? Well that just brings my world to a halt. The illusion I built just shatters, and I am left to stare into the face of the truth. I am running from something I can never escape, I am running from Joshen. Joshen's reality threatens to consume me, to do away with what I have come to know and love. It makes those six words so true "Thinking of you made me cry" thinking of her, thinking of my sisters, my brother, my farther, myself, those I love and those I hate to love, my reality, it makes me cry.

I am faced now with little to no options, so I persevere and do what I do best. I am going to play the lottery tonight in the hope that I'll get lucky for all of us. With my proactive hand I have to struggle and continue to write and blog. Die was never an option, because as bleak as this truth, this reality, this life is; it is mine. I am the master of this domain and I am working on re-writing this passage in the book of life. I will change the world, not because I want to but because I have to. You should do the same.

"Thinking of you made me cry, and my eye's they were filled with tears, and all I've got is my will to be with you again. Thinking of you made me cry so many times, the only thing that made me strong was you, and I have my will to be with you someday" - Dream

Cheers, from the most sincere parts of my being.