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Complacency, Stagnation, Boredom, the norm

     I went on a mini haitus, to plan my next couple of moves, as well as to do a bit of living in reality for a change. I hit one of those unexpected lows, the type that is not really triggered by anything, an almost spontaneous depression. I initially thought I was just down in the dumps because, my momentum was slowing down. I've been on a creative spree, and I was loving it. I quickly realized that was not the case, I also thought it was because I wasn't feeling fulfilled with life in general, that good old your not anywhere close to where you want to be feeling but in hindsight that wasn't it either.

I think I was just throwing myself a surprise pity party, I had no clue I was invited. It's good to remember that at the end of the day, I too am only human, no matter how much I feel I am in control of my emotions they can and will take control of me.

This post is one of those rare looks into the gear box of my mind, I tend to write them out and just save the drafts, I never really intend to publish them, but I feel like it's time this post saw the light of day. My deepest darkest fear, is that when all is said and done at the end of my life, I would have amounted to nothing. It's a fear that I developed watching my parents. I love them both to death, but the have so many decades of wasted time behind them. I am afraid that I will end up like my parents.

I dream big, I talk a good game, I have a strong will, but the doubt lingers. Could I really have a genetic predisposition to failure? Destined to be in service and never served. Even the top brass have low moments, they have chinks in their armour that they hide, that they are ashamed of. Maybe it's time I stop hiding my chinks and share them. If the enemy knows where to attack, I know where to defend.

I feel myself slipping into a rant, about my laziness, about my chronic boredom, about my sexual appetite. Bah   gotta stop wasting time and get back to work.

Thought of the moment: To be human is to accept the fact that some flaws can't be corrected. We will all make mistakes, we all have moments of uncertainty, even insanity. Accept it for what it is, and nothing more.

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