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Life didn't give me lemons.....

I spent this sunday alone, deep in thought as I do most sundays. I was asking myself that question I just can't seem to escape, what's wrong with me? I for one reason or another do not feel complete. I feel all the same things I always feel, I feel the unnecessary want's, the need to become a better human being, to master my craft and produce something special that I can share with the world, something that makes this place just an iota better because I was in it. Still I feel incomplete.

The incompleteness that I feel isn't arbitrary. In fact I know the feeling very well, I can call it by it's name. No it's not the feeling that perplexes me, but I don't understand why I feel this way. I feel lonely, a very strong loneliness, as if I am the last person on earth, as if I was the only person on earth that ever understood me. I am surrounded by people, some love and care for me deeply, yet I still feel completely alone.

I haven't wrote anything new because I feel like everything I create is tainted by greed, so generically commercial and widely appealing but devoid of any real type of artistic value. I am beginning to feel like I am being stiffled, strangled to death by my own drive, my own ambition, is killing me. To deny it, is to deny a part of myself, to feed it, is to starve part of myself. I am stuck in a paradox that has originated within the confines of my own mind and it threatens to drive me mad.

I feel it, a darkness. It's pure created within myself. I cast a wide shadow, a shadow so deep it threatens to consume the light. At this great shadow's center is me, a boy, scared, alone, strong, crippled under the weight of my own thoughts. I am writing the greatest tragedy known to man, and I haven't even reached for my pen yet.

If only life gave me lemons, I would love a glass of lemonade. Instead I have these thoughts. A tree made of thoughts that bear no fruit. Where are my friends? I question if I really had any at all.

Really makes me think, am I ready for what I've been chasing? Will I be able to stand and truly claim my place?

Cheers and Self isolated depressed Teddy bears!

Watch it in 3D, because it's better, much better!

I heard so many things, from so many people, about James Cameron's Avatar. In fact me and my nameless crew of  jerks had a very spirited debate about whether, the "movie experience" enhances a bad movie. I took my usual stance that the movie going experience doesn't dictate whether a movie is good or bad, for me I focus on the plot and the acting. I've seen several good movies in theaters and I've seen the same movies on Dvd on my laptop and for me it was the same. If a movie is larger and louder, I don't really equate that to better.

As of today, I am afraid that I am going to have to go back on my own point of view, and say something that I almost never say, the nameless crew of jerks may be right, the experience adds a factor enhancement to the movie that is purely superficial, but it's a welcome superficial. Avatar was visually stunning, it was like my eye's got naked in the theater and the movie proceeded to make love to them and all the rest of my senses. I also acknowledge that story wise, acting wise, the movie was good and I would have enjoyed it wherever I saw it, but seeing it in 3D was well worth the trip it definetly was better than anything my laptop could produce visually.

When did the movie industry get 3D so right? This was my first 3D experience and I was surprised because it wasn't the red and blue crap that I grew to know and loath. The colors were vibrant, the images were solid and round, and I felt like what was happening was real, I saw a leaf fall in front of me, and my mind registered it as real. I will never forget this.

In the end, 3D is awesome. James Cameron's Avatar is approved by Joshen Reborn.

Cheers and 3D realistic Teddy bears!

Who doesn't like making plans?

So it's thursday and for me that means the weekend! I haven't had school or work on a friday for the past 5 years and quite frankly thats how I like it. I am proud to say that the amount of post, I have coupled with the content of each post is very much to my liking, it's my blog and since I don't get many comments I'll take a moment to pat myself on the back. I wanted to share a silly fantasy I've been having as of late. I keep dreaming that I come into a large sum of money and then I meet a random stranger and we just leave the city for a weekend in a tropical island, without saying a word to anyone.

I am not sure what about this scenario is so appealing, but I think if I did come into a large sum of greenbacks, I'm going to make it happen. In reality news, I'm heading to Philadelphia tomorrow and when I get back to New York, I want to go see Avatar in Imax 3D. I just love when I have a full day planned ahead of me, it makes me feel like I'm not wasting my life.

I still need to do some creative work with Video Vixon, so you can look forward to that!

Final note, the N900 is within my grasp. I entered a contest to win one that drawing is on February second, I also have the cash on hand to buy one now, it feels so good to know it's sooooooooo close to being with me where it belongs!

Abstract Dreams

I spend so much of my time thinking, planning, organizing, that I often scrap a plan before it reaches any type of fruition. I wrote yesterday about my feverish thought's and how insane they were, but really they weren't crazy they were genius. They are abstract thoughts, hard to understand but extremely beautiful. I feel like it's the abstract thinkers that innovate and advance life for the rest of us. Think about it, Nikola Tesla is one of the greatest scientific minds of all time, and his theories were scoffed at, they called him a quack. Why is Tesla  crazy? because he dares to dream?

I spent so much time asleep, I need to wake up and start dreaming.

I understand now that I reached a plateau in life, I finally crawled up out of obscurity and recognize my place in society. I made so many mistakes, in my thinking, the structure was all wrong. I been following a blueprint, unnecessarily chasing paper, because of my own ignorance, but I may kick myself later, but there are somethings more important than money in this world, it's hard to recognize this fact when you don't have any money. The most important thing, I can do for myself is to stop thinking in a linear fashion. It seems that being a bit abstract may allow certain freedoms in life that I didn't even know I was missing

I feel like I am too focused in my pursuit of material wealth, I almost feel like my own raw ambition my be corrupting me. I am afraid, afraid that I am a force too powerful to contain, too powerful to be in my own possession. I want so desperately to have freedom, but it eludes me. I am a slave to the pay check, I am a slave to the education system, a slave to rent, a slave to poverty, a slave to life, and every breath I take is used in plotting my escape. It seems like the root of the matter is freedom, and my lack thereof.

I feel that I rely heavily on guidelines. Not because I'm a stickler for rules and such, but because I am so conditioned to what we accept to be the natural order. I am stuck on the beginning middle end structure of things, I use it in my writing and it creeps it's ugly head into my life. Before I start working on anything I look to see how will this end? Then I eek out and get started on the beginning and I let the middle flush itself out. This is all well in good for story telling but, for my day to day living I wouldn't mind something a bit more abstract.

I received a hurtful message in my Facebook honesty box once

At first I was insulted by it, because I knew it had a hint of truth, I dreamt so big back then, I felt I could own a star, rule my own planet, I thought one day I would be a world renowned writer. now I know, the one thing I shouldn't do is stop dreaming, no matter what society says.

Cheers and non conformist teddy bears!

If it's not matter or Energy what is it?

I have been sick for quite some time now and in my feverish haze I jotted down a few of my thoughts. Thoughts that I now question the legitimacy of, but if I wrote them down I must have found some worth in them at the time. My trusty notebook never leaves my side. I was thinking about reality, and what it means for something to be real. We generally accept that all things in existence are either in the form of matter or energy. We also accept that everything that exists or will exist is already within our reality, because matter is not created or destroyed just transformed. I found a problem, in my feverish state. My issue was with consciousness and thought. It's not in the form of matter, and the electrical impulses of the brain don't have any particular information.

I doubt that we could ever physically identify or harness what a thought is, is it a force? Is it a bi-product of the interaction between matter and energy? Does it even really exist outside of me. Quite frankly, I theorize that the way I perceive thought is unique to the rest of humanity, I feel that the limits of language streamline what thought is like into a universal concept. Either way, I was really really sick and fever makes me think crazy things, I also thought that it would be cool to have a solid bar of water, that's not ice (blowing my own mind).

Any who, before I turn off anymore of my potential readers, I need to send a quick shout out to two people, first to Video Vix[o]n, you inconsistant son of a bitch, I still love you, but if you slow down any more of my projects, I will feed you your own testicles in the pouched stomach of a rat that I fed said testicles to earlier.

And to Copy Boy over at Not Worth Mentioning, I am so sorry I have been off the ball, but I will bring something of some sort of quality to you soon. Not Worth Mentioning I feel is going to become one of those iconic staples that represent this time period when we look back 50 years from now.

I will be doing some experimentation with vlogging soon but I will never give up on this medium. I will continue to blog, "until I cants blog no more"

Cheers and Plague ridden teddy bears!

I got sacked with the flu

Sorry I have been away for the past couple of days, I am not feeling too well. I'm happy that I am feeling well enough to eek out this mini post. Ill be back with quality content as soon as I am back on my feet, till then enjoy this video of cursing muppets, hi freaking larious!

Ill be back,

Cheers and Drowsy Nyquil Teddy bears!

Anderson Cooper, Toy Guns NYC, and Song lyrics.

Just wanted to sound off on a few things this morning before I get sucked into my work day. I remember once upon a time you could basically go into any local deli and find a black snub nose pistol cap gun with the orange cap, or a silver magnum. That was NY 12 years ago. This weekend I went out looking to buy a few cap guns to shoot a few scenes with my crew, and I have to report with both a happy and heavy heart, that I couldn't find a realistic toy gun. It seems in my search for props, I'm going to have to turn to the only place where rules don't matter, E-bay.

The second thing I want to say is Anderson Cooper, deserves a spot on the Justice League. He was in prime form when he saved that young man in Haiti. His arms are huge and he is running with this kid in his arms, Anderson Cooper is indeed the one we need!

I wrote a song yesterday as well. It's called "Fuck work I want to get Rich", I'm hoping that it is generic and monotonous enough to be an instant hit. I also think that inside me there is a person who is severely upset that they lack any kind of musical talent. Honestly I don't really advocate for anything other than hard work. I love writing but it's some damn hard work, I just make it look easy :-)

You know what I usually keep things under wraps until I feel like releasing it will be a great idea but what the hell, here are the lyrics:

When the beat drop.
Generic lyrics, it’s what the people crave
Yeah, no I’m ready

Fuck work, I want to get rich,
Fuck work, I want to get rich,
Fuck work, I want to get rich

Working retail all my life
40 hours the dead end grind
With every paycheck I feel more broke
You may laugh but this isn’t a joke
Life so hard cause my days so long

Really chant the hook,
Fuck Work I want to get rich
Fuck that I want to do this
Make one song, got so paid
Fuck all the grinding go get laid
Drink your drink, Smoke your smoke
White sand beaches, that’s the life
All I got is pain and strife
Fuck work I want to get rich

Can’t buy drinks, don’t go out
Can’t rock prada go without
Working this job I’m filled with doubt
Low bank roll got no clout
Tears keep flowing like a water spout

Fuck work I want to get rich
Fuck class I’m about to Ditch
Fuck effort, Fuck skill, I’m so tired of paying bills
Fuck it all, lets just get rich.

You want that money here’s how you do it
Fuck work, Play that lotto
Fuck work, be a rapper
Fuck work, host parties
Fuck work, get to blogging
Fuck work, start robbing

Wait no wait I cant advocate that, That’s what you want me to say really. Whatever

Fuck work I want to get rich.

End of song, I feel like it's perfect. Nothing can be done to make this any better or worse so it's time to let it out. My next song is gonna be about, kittens.

Cheers, and unemployed rich teddy bears!

I wont turn a blind eye

This image, is floating around the internet and I feel like it speaks volume. Cause Haiti is crying tears of blood, and so has the rest of the world.

I wanted the dust to clear. I wanted to wait till the Pro Haitian band wagon calmed down. I wanted to wait till I was sure what happened, and that time is now. I read a line that will stay with me, "We don't have enough medicine, we don't have enough body bags" Describing the situation in Haiti. I always feel a bit more connected to my humanity and our collective mortality, during disaster. In this time, in this moment my heart is in a deep dark place weeping for the Haitian people abroad and at home who have suffered such tremendous loss. All I can do is blog, all I can do is give, all I can do is shed tears, and hope.

I rarely want to champion a cause. This time is different. I feel like this is our moment and we should all be champions. Never forget, earth is our home and we are all neighbors. My dad said, "things like this happen as an opportunity. Good is giving you a chance to help your fellow man so that when all is said and done, you cant see you never had the chance."

This is one chance of many that we had, and I feel the general consensus that we will do the right thing.

Let my words reach these selfless heroes. Those scared victims, the mothers who must bury their children, the children who have been made into orphans in one foul swoop. When you cry we cry. You hurt and we feel, you will never be alone, every tear shed is shed for you. There will be happiness once again.

Sound bites aint cheap.

So I was thinking about what I should do next and honestly, I want to get back to creating for the fun of creating.   It's all well and good to make that serious piece that gets you critical acclaim and all, but I'm still a budding writer, why can't I enjoy the fruits of my labor? I need to ease off the make it or break it just for a little while, so that I can make something just for the fun of it.

So now that I am going to do some for the heck of it projects, I am feeling like trying the artsy silent film, or a pro non-sense comedy. In the big scheme of things, I want to be able to still enjoy what I do. So I am going to link up with Video Vix[o]n and just have fun, I was playing around with the idea of a man making love to himself, or maybe some cute home drama. All I can really tell you is I am going to take a trip to the 99 cent store by a bunch of props and have a great time.

I read a blog today from this spectacular photographer named Chase Jarvis who reminded me to stay in touch with the inner artist. To be part of the Create Share Paradigm as he so artfully put it. So I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. Do what you love, love what you do.

Personal note, I've been drinking homemade lemonade, I started a batch but I ran out of sugar, what I have leftover isn't fit to drink. Juice charges my creative battery, CHARGE ME!

Cheers and happy care bears!

From the Ashes

I received this comment (只有尋常才幹,但具有不尋常恆心的人,一切皆可獲取) on my last post and it was so insightful that I felt I should translate it for the world. It reads as translated by Google "Only extraordinary talent, but with unusual perseverance of the people, get everything back"

I understand that I must never say die, never surrender. My purpose is to refine this, my craft, and to persevere. So to you my good friend Oh, who left me this beautiful comment, I thank you, it has not fallen on deaf ears, nothing my readers say ever will.

This will be one of my darker post, because this is not my finest moment. I share with you my tribulations so that we draw strength from the triumphs together, just me and the world. I can sum up my recent experiences in about six words that aren't even my own "Thinking of you made me cry". Those six words are part of the chorus to My Will by Dream, a song that is more popularly remembered as the end theme to Inuyasha. I listen to My Will on what I describe as loose rotation, it's part of my extensive playlist and when I do a shuffle all of my music it tends to come up, with that said, My will has been haunting me, because it's the beautiful soundtrack of my life. It's themes resonate with me and I need to pay attention to them.

Last night I was at a performance at a place called Santos, it's located in Chinatown, Lafyette and Walker to be more specific. I saw a young talented artist named Wordspit performing what seems to be one of his more popular songs. It was entitled Poets Haiku, and the beat the very beginning was a sample of My will. I felt like I was the only person in the club that knew where that sample came from, probably the only person that really cared but I felt connected to the performer. We shared a common interest and that alone allowed me to digest his lyrics and his emotions. I enjoyed his high energy performance. He spoke in between his songs, about the work had to do, what it really takes to get ahead in life, and I saw in him, myself.

"Thinking of you made me cry" my mother called me today. See, from the beginning of all things my family has been on the losing end of the economic battle. We were the have not's and we still have not. I have been scarred by this reality, my reality. I am sure life has been harder for others, but the knowledge that someone out there has it tougher than I do doesn't usually make me want to "count my blessings" it leaves me feeling a whole lot worse. My mom told me tonight that she is tired of the struggle, and she couldn't bring herself to cry, she's writing a book, that I am going to clean up, edit, and hopefully find a way to get published, but that doesnt really help to alleviate her immeadiate situation. I hurt for her.

I titled this post from the ashes, because it is personal to me, fire has a destructive nature which is often misunderstood to be evil. Fire demolishes and transforms paving the way for something new to rise from the ashes. I feel that my entire life has been a trial by fire. I am sure that it's this same fire that has tempered, purified and fortified me into the man I am today. I have felt creatively stuck, lost, listening to moon river on repeat and thinking "where have I gone wrong, what am I not doing?" Finally, I have the answer. I've been running, and that realization broke me "Thinking of you made me cry" indeed.

I wanted to just leave my life behind. That's why I rarely visit my mothers home. I have issues with that place, the way I am treated, the laundry list of what's wrong there is extensive, but to have her call me, and ask me hey do you know how I live? Well that just brings my world to a halt. The illusion I built just shatters, and I am left to stare into the face of the truth. I am running from something I can never escape, I am running from Joshen. Joshen's reality threatens to consume me, to do away with what I have come to know and love. It makes those six words so true "Thinking of you made me cry" thinking of her, thinking of my sisters, my brother, my farther, myself, those I love and those I hate to love, my reality, it makes me cry.

I am faced now with little to no options, so I persevere and do what I do best. I am going to play the lottery tonight in the hope that I'll get lucky for all of us. With my proactive hand I have to struggle and continue to write and blog. Die was never an option, because as bleak as this truth, this reality, this life is; it is mine. I am the master of this domain and I am working on re-writing this passage in the book of life. I will change the world, not because I want to but because I have to. You should do the same.

"Thinking of you made me cry, and my eye's they were filled with tears, and all I've got is my will to be with you again. Thinking of you made me cry so many times, the only thing that made me strong was you, and I have my will to be with you someday" - Dream

Cheers, from the most sincere parts of my being.

Greatness isnt Easy.

I just realized that the quality writing I provide the world with is a unique talent. I produce entertaining and informative pieces of literary art. From this blog I have all the ammunition necessary to blow your mind, and I commit to said mind blowing on a near daily basis. I just never really thought that it was difficult to produce quality content, but I was wrong. In fact I deserve a pat on the back for being in the game for so long and being so unsuccessful, yet so damn entertaining.

Also I want to give some Kudos to my readers, back in the day on Xanga we called them E-props, and you could get up to 2 per commenter. I give to each of my readers two e props in fact, if you follow me on twitter @joshen1 Ill make sure you get said e props.

Speaking of twitter, I was commenting on the fact that a whole twitterverse has evolved right under my nose and I had no clue. Official Tila Tequila, and the #TilaArmy are at war with the #Tilaresistance, Twitter has it's own pantheon actually and it's based on the amount of followers it goes a little something like this, actually I am feeling a bit lazy so I am going to just post a conversation I had on the whole issue;

    Lol ok
    Something else I need to tell you about twitter
    Dark and powerful forces
Lightning Kaiser 9:57 pm
Joshen Reborn 9:57 pm
    The Tila Army
    Followers of Tila Tequila
    She controls them
Lightning Kaiser 9:57 pm
    her tweeple?
Joshen Reborn 9:57 pm
    Threatens them with blocks and unfollows if they dissobey
    they meet in real life and such
    She runs the tila army hard body
    but beside the Tila Army
    is the Tila Resistance
    Ran by Tila is a whore
Joshen Reborn 9:58 pm
    They have a constant struggle everyday
    Each of their followers fussing and fueding
    140 shots at a time
Lightning Kaiser 9:59 pm
    How do you know this?
Joshen Reborn 10:00 pm
    I am friends with part of the Tila Resistance
    And I read official tilas twitter
    She is a iron dictator
Lightning Kaiser 10:00 pm
Lightning Kaiser 10:00 pm
    I gotta read this
Joshen Reborn 10:00 pm
    Dont get involved man
    Just wait for our generalissimo
    Smilinstan lee
    To give his orders
    he will tell us which faction to join
Lightning Kaiser 10:01 pm
    Im not gonna get involved
    just gonna observe
Joshen Reborn 10:02 pm
    Twitter is full of splinter groups
    I think Miley Cirus commanded the most powerful one
    With 2 million followers
    when she closed down her twitter
    they flooded the sight
    Crashing twitter
    When Chris brown closed his twitter
    Aint shit happen
    life went on
Lightning Kaiser 10:04 pm
    you're like a Twitter historian now
Joshen Reborn 10:05 pm
    The Tila Resistance
    Got Tila's real cell number and they flamed her today
    Tila Resistance is organized
Lightning Kaiser 10:06 pm
    is it that serious?
    there's a whole world Im not up on
Joshen Reborn 10:07 pm
    Her cell number is out
    You want it?
    You want to call Tila Tequila
Lightning Kaiser 10:07 pm
Lightning Kaiser 10:07 pm
    By the time I get it, it'll probably be off
Joshen Reborn 10:08 pm
    Yeah they said she changing it
Lightning Kaiser 10:08 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:08 pm
    But I mean
    they will get it again
    Ill just wait till they twit it
    within 30 seconds
    then Ill call you and it
    and we will talk to Tila
    about how much we loved the dark knight
    ask her if she liked it too
Lightning Kaiser 10:09 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:10 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:12 pm
    It's crazy how a whole world has evolved before our eyes
Lightning Kaiser 10:13 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:13 pm
    without us ever noticing
    Millions of people
    all living their lives conversing second to second
    140 characters at a time
    trending topics
    Miley Cirus was like it's hitler
Lightning Kaiser 10:16 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:17 pm
    The twitter pantheon goes as such
    Ashton Kutcher is Zeus
    He has the most followers on twitter
    Followed by brittney spears Hera
    Ellen Degeneres Ares
    Barack Obama Apollo
    Oprah Winfrey Aphrodite
Lightning Kaiser 10:18 pm
    i need to get up on twitter
Joshen Reborn 10:18 pm
    And John Mayer Atlas
    Those are the top 6
Lightning Kaiser 10:18 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:18 pm
    in that order
Lightning Kaiser 10:18 pm
    I follow John MAyer
Joshen Reborn 10:25 pm
    Lol me too
    John Mayer carries the world on his shoulders
    thats why he has the raccoon eyes!
    Perez Hilton Vs. TIla Tequila
    Twitter wars
Lightning Kaiser 10:34 pm
    That lady is annoying
Joshen Reborn 10:34 pm
    She was
    but she gave us a few key tweets
Lightning Kaiser 10:35 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:35 pm
    Knowledge gained #1 Tila was engaged to the heiress of the Johnson and Johnson empire
Lightning Kaiser 10:35 pm
    Im shocked someone actually commented "Team Tila"
    Yeah, you didn't know?
Joshen Reborn 10:35 pm
    I had no idea
    Key tweet #2 Tila stated her own Gossip Blog
Joshen Reborn 10:36 pm
    key Tweet #3 Perez hilton has nice dogs
    as a background
Lightning Kaiser 10:37 pm
    and he looks like a pig apparently
Joshen Reborn 10:38 pm
    John Mayer wouldnt like us hanging out
Lightning Kaiser 10:38 pm
Joshen Reborn 10:38 pm
    On the bad side of twitter
Lightning Kaiser 10:38 pm
    I don't JM would care
    for him
    theres only one side
    his side
Joshen Reborn 10:39 pm
    He carries twitter on his shoulders
    His deep and meaningful words are product of his plight
    and his burden
    Ashton Kutcher
    also doesnt go for the bafoonery
    And he is twitter Zeus

The conversation goes on but this is most prudent. I feel like I have something to offer, so I'm going to shut up and just offer it. I am going to start writing my thoughts on fear, and I'm going to ask some children about their fears while I'm at it, I feel like children have both the most irrelevant but most frightening fears to deal with. Like being murdered by a mythical creatures in the middle of the night, thats just classic.

In short what I do hear is important, and much more so than what everyone else is doing most of the time, thank you!

Cheers and Vampire tweeting Teddy bears!


So I recently went giddy giddy girly gaga over two series that I just enjoy ever so much on the History Channel. The first is After Armageddon which is the fictional portrayal of how humans would transition from an apocalyptic world to rebuilding some semblance of society, and second is life after people which just shows what would last and what wont last as time goes on without people. After Armageddon in particular has managed to capture my attention as I often fancy myself a survivor. I feel like I was made to live to and past an apocalyptic future.

My father was very big on western movies and television but I could never get into it. I always found those old world stories of heroes and villains to be rather bland, soft, for romantics. Now however I understand his point of view, and I have to say that the passion is genetic. Imagine the world if you will without law, everyday is a test of bravery, intelligence and fortitude. The strong survive and the weak either align themselves with the strong or they perish. A future where the everyday man is the hero, he calls the shots, the love the danger the intrigue. I'll have to wait, I am sure once my life really hangs in the balance some of the glits and glam will wear off, or maybe not, I am a bit loopy.

In other news today I saw the destructive power of twitter. I made a video of a city burning and the twitter bird shinning out the picture above is just a screen shot but twitter certainly played a pivotal role in inspiring me today. I had no idea that a subculture (much like the underdwellers, molepeople, darkseekers, night walkers, or the others - people that transformed into subhumans due to some kind of disaster) had developed within twitter, in fact there are several prominent subcultures two that jump to mind are Smilinstan Lee's Brigadiers and Tila Tequila's  TilaArmy. There are people who dedicate each of their 140 characters, to carrying out the whims of their leaders. Even more destructive is the evil underbelly of twitter as E-bullying has found a home where a group of mean spirited females relentlessly attack and leave hateful, destructive and somewhat funny messages in the timelines of their victims. Just goes to show you, the power of popularity, like I always said every body in the light cast's a dark shadow.

I want to end with my thought of the day, but this one has to be a bit more special than usual. I just want to allow my heart to speak to you briefly. As you go about your daily life, situations will arise when you are given a choice, the choice between doing a selfless act, or doing nothing at all. In the hopes that this reaches every ear on the planet. Even if it you never do it again, consciously choose to put someone before yourself. These are the ideals that are lost to us as a society. In the Armageddon which is the future kindness will be a rare and valuable commodity.

Cheers and battle turn survivor teddy bears!

Complacency, Stagnation, Boredom, the norm

     I went on a mini haitus, to plan my next couple of moves, as well as to do a bit of living in reality for a change. I hit one of those unexpected lows, the type that is not really triggered by anything, an almost spontaneous depression. I initially thought I was just down in the dumps because, my momentum was slowing down. I've been on a creative spree, and I was loving it. I quickly realized that was not the case, I also thought it was because I wasn't feeling fulfilled with life in general, that good old your not anywhere close to where you want to be feeling but in hindsight that wasn't it either.

I think I was just throwing myself a surprise pity party, I had no clue I was invited. It's good to remember that at the end of the day, I too am only human, no matter how much I feel I am in control of my emotions they can and will take control of me.

This post is one of those rare looks into the gear box of my mind, I tend to write them out and just save the drafts, I never really intend to publish them, but I feel like it's time this post saw the light of day. My deepest darkest fear, is that when all is said and done at the end of my life, I would have amounted to nothing. It's a fear that I developed watching my parents. I love them both to death, but the have so many decades of wasted time behind them. I am afraid that I will end up like my parents.

I dream big, I talk a good game, I have a strong will, but the doubt lingers. Could I really have a genetic predisposition to failure? Destined to be in service and never served. Even the top brass have low moments, they have chinks in their armour that they hide, that they are ashamed of. Maybe it's time I stop hiding my chinks and share them. If the enemy knows where to attack, I know where to defend.

I feel myself slipping into a rant, about my laziness, about my chronic boredom, about my sexual appetite. Bah   gotta stop wasting time and get back to work.

Thought of the moment: To be human is to accept the fact that some flaws can't be corrected. We will all make mistakes, we all have moments of uncertainty, even insanity. Accept it for what it is, and nothing more.

I smell a mystery!

I felt like my layout deserved a much needed face lift, after 2 years of blogging on the same parchment the change was easily welcomed. I have stumbled across my own little mystery in the past week, it's a real head scratcher, but please allow me to ease you into the setting gently. After a long hard day at work, I usually end up taking the subway to the worlds edge. When I reach the edge of the world the hour is usually well after twilight and I am greeted by ladies of the night, who happen to be practicing the worlds oldest profession. The ladies of the night cast their spell on travelers slowing carriages to a halt in the veil that is the night, the feel no extreme cold or heat, and are able to survive naked to my amazement.

I don't stop to listen to the song of these sirens, I keep walking. Further from the train station I come across a restaurant. Said restaurant is open for business, no matter what time of day I pass it. From outside I can hear the buzzing of human activity but upon opening the door there is nothing. No signs of life, no people, no food, Just a large dirty almost barren room with two doors, each leading to another mystery.

It bothers the hell out of me, that restaurant. I don't want to be bothered with finding out whats going on, but I am so damn curious. If someone told me that this was the entrance to hades, I wouldn't be surprised. It has the type of aura where you open a door and poof you step into some post apocalyptic alternate dimension. I think that maybe my imagination is running away with me, but I like where it's taking me.

In other news, I have been trying to find inner peace. It sounds simple enough but achieving an empty mind could take a life time, I don't really have a spare lifetime so maybe I'll have to settle for a tad bit of turmoil mixed with earthly pleasures. I try but it's hard to change years worth of living overnight.

Thought of the day: The human is an ever changing animal, change is not significant. Changing to the tune of a plan is special. Learn to differentiate the two and act accordingly.

Cheers and drunk lovable teddy bears!

The appeal of the Cardboard Box

I was just remembering my long time relationship with the cardboard box. I am not sure what it was about a box but when I was but a wee lad, the box was like Ecstasy for my imagination. I often fantasized that either my box was a spaceship or some sort of fortress but really it could have been anything, one day I imagined that my box was a bigger box and I had twice the fun. Then I began to realize that the box though frail and simple is alot of different things for a lot of different people.

The box for a child, is a toy. The box is actually the ultimate toy. It's ultimate appeal lay in the fact that you can get inside the box. With a box for the right kid the sky is the limit, the only thing better than one box is two! For the adult the box is associated with work and responsibility, we ship and receive, we have our cubicles and we store those trinkets those memories from yesteryear in a basic box in the basement or attic. The box contains and protect sentiments. The cardboard box becomes shelter often for the homeless, it is a bed that ever important layer that though thin is strong enough to provide a bit of protection from the harsh elements. For the old the box is the final resting place.

That being said, I want to touch upon a subject that was in the back of my mind. I can barely remember the internet predating social networks. I wondered long and hard what did I do, where was I surfing? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I used to read more online before the invention of the MyTwitFace (thank you Conan) I had something called a Xanga and it was the center of my interaction with other people the blog rings which made up the blogosphere back then surprisingly I think I had more readers. I was Emo, I was mean, and I guess that was interesting. Now all I do is scheme and constantly try to find new ways to reinvent the wheel into a better mousetrap. I think I miss the simplicity of those days. The days when the internet was a lawless unregulated land, and the mint left to be made was quick, easy, and connected to the stock market.

Thought of the day: Draw strength from within, before you seek the aid of strength from with-out. Impossible is really just improbable.

Cheers and and profitable careers!


I am sure I don't have a severe case of insomnia but I have seen consecutive sun rises for about the past 4 days, so I am starting to worry (just a little). I do however credit my spike in creativity to my insomnia. Some things you just don't think about unless;

  1. You are on your deathbed
  2. You are on heavy psychadelic drugs
  3. You have some severe sleep deprivation
I'll give you a sneak peak into the insanity of insomnia, I've been trying to solve several temporal paradoxes, who does that? I did get a very useful burst of inspiration to go back and re-evaluate my basic treatment for a screenplay I wanted to write, after the whole solve a paradox thing. I considered writing the screenplay almost like a lost cause because Kick-ass has been produced and the themes between Kick-ass and The Rise of Shen Phoenix are very similar but they are not the same. When I get a chance I'll post the entire treatment for feedback maybe that will help me. I just want to somehow breath new life into my idea, so that it is once again it's as close to the originality flame as I can get it, but thats boring wannabee writer talk, nobody wants that.

What the people do want is to hear about my misadventures. I took a great risk today and I let an unknown barber cut my hair, now some may say this isn't that great a risk, but the link between a male and his barber is almost sacred. Consider it the bond shared between a unicorn and it's rider. For some it's a travesty against nature to let an unknown cut your hair. I am fairly pleased with the results though. So pleased that I will allow that very classy young gentleman to cut my hair on a regular basis.

Moving on, the work week is about to begin for me again, and I still haven't drawn up a lesson plan. For those that don't know I teach chess after school at a beacon program in the city. I wanted to stay on top the game and be as organized as I can be, good thing I know what I am doing, if there is one thing I know how to do it's play a decent game of Chess, and Sonic the hedgehog 2.

Heading back to the topic of not sleeping, I may ride the insomnia train just a bit longer. I want to start working on a detective story I jotted down in some of my old notes, and I have a feeling that the extreme twists and turns I need, my current imagination in it's non altered form just isnt capable of. Maybe I am part Vampire or Owl. 

I added ComicCon to my list of things to do, almost finished with the first season of my mini series. Writing it has been such a challenge, and I am expecting that filming it will not be an easy feat. I still want a mechanical pocket watch and an N900. I must work harder!

Thought of the day: Self sacrifice, is never easy. The process is a kin to turning lead to gold, who doesn't want gold in the end?

Cheers and cute sleep deprived caffeinated hares!  

Monumental occassion

So I reached one of those milestones that may seem insignificant to most but for me it's a time for celebration. I reached 100 unique visitors today. Which may seem like nothing but I am appreciative that I even have one visitor. When I sit down and commit to putting my insanity on to this electronic parchment, I do it with your entertainment in mind. Even if I had zero readers, I think I would still write, because it is really an exhilarating process that I hope every person on the planet will at some point experience and enjoy.

I recently realized that to achieve my maximum potential, I have to embrace my true nerd nature. I want to be celebrated for my humanity, for my normality, and for my passion for life. I am me, comic books, video games, pornography, Doctor Who, Cash in the Attic, I love it all. I am a geek, I know that for certain now and I am certainly fine with that. Speaking of Doctor Who, I have to tip my hat to David Tennant for introducing me to a character and franchise that I fell in love with. His final performance was magnificent and I tip my hat to him, I am a bit sad he doesn't have a Twitter, I would gladly follow him out of pure respect and admiration.

I am still stoked that I could lure 100 unsuspecting people into my little lair of debauchery and fun. I am compelled to share with you an idea that was very popular with me a few years ago. My favorite complete anime series D.N.Angel introduced me to one of the most complex and beautiful piece of sentient art that I've ever seen. It was named The Second Hand of Time it was supporting the soul of a girl named Freedert, Who was waiting to be reunited in death with her lover Elliot who had become The Link Pin of Time. It placed a concept on the tip of my heart that has always stayed with me.

Don't choose death to protect the ones you love. You have to live on to protect them. It may seem like the height of romance to give your life for the one you love but in actuality the pain you leave behind could end up being eternal and unbearable. The obvious choice isn't always the correct one, and above all there is power in keeping a true promise.

So as I celebrate the beginning of our ongoing relationship, I invite you the world, to grow with me. I wish to entertain you, to anger you, to excite you and leave you wanting more. I want you to see into the depths of my mind and wade through the different layers of my soul. Leave deep footprints in my heart and I will do the same.

Thought of the day: Love doesn't even require a face, my heart goes out to those of you I don't know and may never meet. Still I know the feeling that I feel for you is love. Why not share love, it's infinite and infinitesimal so don't be bashful!

Cheers and warm joy filled tears!

Tim Matt Dave

I am working on what I feel may be my finest character. Good old three name, Tim Matt Dave. I have so many aspirations for what I want him to become. In the Zombiverse that I have created, I want Tim Matt Dave to be the greatest of all heroes. A jack of all trades, with the tragic flaw of having to be the one person who always chooses to do what's right. I have the basic arch type for the character and how I want him to live, but I feel that he may be bigger than the realm that I created him in. He is essentially one of the greatest heroes of all time.

The first thing that I wanted to say is that he is my version of the time traveler. Now I always had a fascination with time traveling. I can still remember having heated debates on the exact type of time travel used by Trunks from DragonBallZ and why he couldn't make direct changes to his future. I am amazed by characters like Randall Savage, and the DC concept of the beginning of time being an event that Batman and The Green Lantern sort of witnessed. I don't think my new found love of the movie the time machine or watching all this Doctor Who is helping either.

So I want to toy with my own character who has been presented with the gift of traveling through time. I feel like by sharing what I want him to be with the world I myself will have a better understanding. You see I have the big picture, but the little details do matter.

Tim Matt Dave, Is a time traveler, for all intensive purposes, Time is considered to be in flux. Time itself Past Present and Future are all happening at the same time. One in close relation to the other. People observe the flow of time similarly because they experience it from the same inertial frames (For all intensive purposes this will be frames governed by all the laws of physics at the same time). Time is moving in every and all directions, and there indeed spaces in the universe that are "timeless". For earth however from moment to moment time as we perceive it is linear, each segment past present and future providing a cause for events. With each happening simultaneously the cause and events generally tend to remain the same, giving us he illusion that things are deterministic. Sadly they are not.

Tim Matt Dave, is extremely observant, he is a tactician, although he doesn't have a mastery of advance sciences but he understands time, nature, and the complete limit of the human condition which often allows him at the lowest end of the spectrum to possess the will to overcome and endure, and at the highest end to bend and break the laws of reality.

Tim Matt Dave is essentially immortal, he has either witnessed or had a hand in history's checkpoints. All the events that could have lead to the destruction of the universe. Tim Matt Dave has been commissioned to serve many different functions at many different points of time but from the time we met him is essentially experiencing a rare down period where the world doesn't really need to be saved, so what does a person with great power do when he isn't working? He is forced to become ordinary and with a normal human life one will often find loneliness.

So yeah that's Tim Matt Dave, still a work in progress. Nothing but the grind, I feel like thats the direction I want this New Year to take.
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