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What are we going to give Jesus?




We all know that the first time Jesus came around we gave him gifts of Frankincense Gold and Myrrh. Well in Christian lore the second coming is a big deal, but I don't really hear anyone volunteering to go pick up the gifts. Considering that I am probably going to catch a lot of flack for this I want to say right now, for the 4 people out there that follow my blog, if you are easily offended read some of the older articles or wait for a new one, this may not be for you

Now that the warning has been made lets talk shop

When Jesus comes back to earth we just cant give him some Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh, think about it that may have been fun before the invention of television but in today's day and age it wont cut it. If I was Jesus quite frankly I would be insulted if the human race gave me the same gifts twice, like really come on. I think we need to designate the wisemen first and foremost.

First wise man, Stephen Hawking, quite frankly I feel like he has been working on a way to either, go forward in time, become immortal, or transform fully into a machine. His contributions to science are limitless, we associate Hawking as the face of advanced physics and other difficult sciences that the majority of us will never understand. Our second wise man will have to be, Barack Obama

Say what you want about Barack, but you have to admit the man is a genius. Out of all the things he has accomplished, I think his most important accomplishment has to be that he has mastered the art of timing. Barack ran for president after Bush, (Smart move number 1) against the most old and senile grandpa that the republican party could find (smart move number 2) and he found a way to win the presidency despite being black, for the first time, I saw a man's blackness working for and not against him.

The final wise man has to be Dave Chappelle, he has to be the funniest man on the planet, and in his jokes he seems to predict the future. Dave Chappelle is like a comedic Nostradamus. Take a look back to the racial draft skit, Tiger Woods embraced his blackness and lost all his endorsements. Today Tiger embraced his blackness fucking with mad ho's and he most likely going to lose his endorsements, coincidence or pure genius? Chappelle is a clear choice for wise man number three, forget the world leaders and prophets and those who claim to be all about goodwill lets, cut the bullshit and go with humanities best, our best scientist, politician, and comic.

Now what are they going to give Jesus, Off the bat I figure Stephen Hawking should give Jesus an Iphone, with a plan that he doesn't have to pay himself. It may seem like Jesus doesn't need an Iphone but this time around I doubt he is going to want to walk everywhere to get the word out especially when there are more instant and convenient means to get the word out. Plus when he is done battling evil, I can see Jesus relaxing to some bejeweled. So we get him an Iphone for all his internet based messiahing.

The second gift that I feel Obama should present to Jesus, is a comfortable rent free Condo on the upper east side. Last time Jesus was here, we were not the most hospitable of host, he was born practically outside near animals for crying out loud. Then he had to live in those old style shack hut things, then we crucified him.......We need to make sure that our Jesus is super comfortable, well rested on a bed with sheets that have an insane thread count, room service each morning and a kindle pre packed with his favorite books and the bible for his reading pleasure. We should comfort our Jesus cause he is super cool.

Finally I feel like Chappelle should present Jesus with the gifts of the Chappelle Show complete DVD, and Chappelle will help start up the new squad of Apostles. When Jesus starts jet setting this time around, he is going to need people he can trust, Judas we all know what you did. Chappelle will help to keep stuff real for Jesus. Plus I am sure the humor and joy that the new crew will bring Jesus will make the whole apocalypse fly right by. We definitely should not make the same mistakes we made last time, this time we need to do right by Jesus.

Thought of the day: Don't be afraid to put your thoughts on paper, even if you know it will piss everyone off.

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